They are some times when you live something and yet you lose it afterwards. You can’t ask questions, you can’t find answers. It isn’t fair most of the time, but who are we to change all those facts?
As time goes by, I’ll be posting more details about past events. And probably then, you will be aware of more things than others of my daily every day life..hehe.. Yeah, perhaps you’ll say that I don’t have a life, well this is my second life: The blog. I share things, because sometimes it’s not the same if you say it to someone that you trust compared if you decide to write it down somewhere. If I would write it on a piece of paper it could be delicate. If I write in a ”diary” someone could find it and read it out loud. But if I post it here, not only do I share to the entire world but since I don’t publish any names, it will always be anonymous. And from all those who know me extremely well, even they wonder who I talk about or write about in my blog.
Sometimes you get a chance of a lifetime, you live things that you never thought possible or things that you thought that could never happened to you. And then, life takes it away. Like I mentioned it earlier, we don’t always know why and how come we ”deserve the following”. But if we keep on going asking questions to ourselves we’ll go crazy. I can tell you right now, that there is something that I miss. It’s something that I miss so badly that sometimes it can be really depressing. Specially since everything is just plane memories that you have inside your mind. You know that it wasn’t lust, but you don’t know either if it was love or not. All you know, that ”that thing” was something that made you feel special inside. Something that made you smile, even after a long day of stress and work. There are no words of how you can express what you miss. What reminds you that it was real in a way is due to the emptiness you have inside somewhere inside. Words are not enough and feelings don’t do any justice to all that.
No wonder why we end up like we are. Either you become someone with a mask on, just to show that everything is alright. Either you become more lonely than you we’re before. Or simply pretend like if nothing happened and you are miserable for quite a while. If I would ask you, how can you miss something that you never had before? How can it be possible to miss something that appears that it wasn’t for you. That you were not meant for it, it was not made for you or to you, not even predesignated. Could it be? Logically speaking, of course not. Technically speaking, of course ”yes”.
I would like to know what is going to happen now, that everything is crystal clear in a way. The doubts that I had before, were not answered. They grew stronger and deeper. The feelings are simply stuck between your mind, heart and memory. Where there is not one day where you don’t think about what it was before. To recall to the famous ”what if” question-no-fair-answer…
Earlier I saw this quote ” Oh I’m sorry. I thought you meant what you promised. Silly me. ”
That’s how I felt after I started discovering things and more outgoing things. And this second quote is the one I picked for my profile : ” You’ve pissed me off, You’ve made me cry, You’ve made me scream. But at the end of the day, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone but you. ”
Unfortunately, this is how I feel, this is how I am now, this is how I’m thinking lately. Is it good, I have no clue. But I am showing off my feelings, I’m letting them out. And you know what’s worst of all?? I still have those memories, those messages saved in my personal things. It’s like there a ray of hope somewhere in me, waiting for a miracle, waiting for something to happen. I just hope that I’m not the only one who also kept all those special messages. But I sure would like to enjoy those beautiful memories, those beautiful and funny conversations like old times…
They say that sometimes God allows you to treat and learn to appreciate what you have. Then he doesn’t take it away permanently, he simply puts you to the test to see if you really took for granted or not what you had. I’d like to think that it’s simply a test, a clueless riddle. I miss it so badly in a way, but I can’t shout it, I can’t say it out loud with more details. I can just keep it to myself, no wonder why I’ve had a mountain of emotions. No wonder why I acted the way I did. No wonder why I can tell that my heart is heartbroken and in the middle of intensive care…
I really don’t wish any of this to anyone, but still that is life.
Good night Life Followers, Life Readers…
